I have many many complaints about Japan (especially Tokyo as I live and work there) and the Japanese. I find fault with their overpopulation, their hard-to-crack civilness towards people they don't really know, their obsession with work, their materialistic girls and narcissistic or egoistic men. The list goes on & on.
But when I come back, I am reminded that I have my complaints about Singapore and the Singaporean "race". Why are the toilets so dirty? Don't they have any respect for public amenities and the next person using it? And despite being so well-travelled, why haven't people realised (or perhaps nobody cares) that the right side of the escalator should be kept clear for people to pass through? Why, despite our high education system which is 99% taught in English - our once called first language (but now strategically referred as the working language by our Government in their efforts to promote Singaporeans to learn our mother tongue well and not to forget our roots), - do we sound like we're no better off than our neighbours whose English is only their second or even a foreign language? Why do we sound like Ah Bengs and Ah Lians? Why why why? My grievances, unlike those I have against the Japanese, go deeper as they come with a tinge of embarrassment and a huge inferiority complex.
I know I sound very mean & unpatriotic for thinking these of my fellow citizens, which inevitably includes my family and friends. Am I saying that they are or I'm not good enough compared to the world? And who am I comparing ourselves to? The Japanese? The West? I suspect that I'm just trying to find a diversion for the inferiority I feel towards our language and culture when living overseas. If I could blame it on the environment in which I was brought up and my compatriots, maybe then I could distance myself away from my own identity. I could say to myself: They are very Singaporean, but I'm not.
But I've realised this trip back that I'm very Singaporean too, not because I possess the negative traits commonly attributed to us (I still believe I'm pretty well-mannered and rather cosmopolitan compared to the average Singaporean), but because I'm comfortable in my own skin when I'm back. I'm a different person when I'm overseas or with foreign friends. Not saying that I put up a false front when I'm with them, but it always does require a little effort to be different or should I say more similar to them. I'm comfortable as a Singaporean with only Singaporeans because I can finally be free of the shackles that restrain the little Singaporean girl in me. But the Singaporean girl in me will never fully be visible in front of people that aren't like her until the day I can say I'm proud of being Singaporean.
I hope I won't anger my family, friends or any Singaporeans who happen to visit by lashing out at our identity. I'm just trying to rationalise what I feel and it's not easy living with it.
As for the answers to the questions I have, I haven't found them. I wonder how many visits it'd have to take me to find them.
