Alzheimer's disease or mental constipation??

My brain must be about 60 years old now. It's not functioning like it would in a 26 year old person. As I am typing this, I realised that I've even forgotten my age. I was pondering whether I'm 25 or 26. Oh god.......am I losing my brains or my mind??

I've been worrying myself crazy these days, wondering if I'm suffering from a very unusual early case of Alzheimer's disease. Not only have I been more muddle-headed & forgetful than usual, I've also been losing my ability to spell & articulate myself properly. Words that I knew I know would suddenly vanish from my mind when I want to use them. It would only be a great deal of time later before they'd surface. Many a times, I'd even need to look up a dictionary for them. It's not just English, but Chinese & Japanese too. How can I explain this problem...the words would appear as empty gray blocks in my mind & I know that they're just hidden in those blocks. They just refuse to be revealed at the crucial moment when I need them. I've lost the ability to explain, articulate, calculate (even simple counting sometimes) & who knows what else.

Or is it, I hope, just a temporary case of mental constipation? It is as quoted from a dictionary -an inability to articulate one's thoughts or ideas, resulting in significant psychological distress and frustration. I don't even know if this is an illness or what causes mental constipation. Whatever it is, I hope there's a cure or explanation (pray to God that it's not A.D) to the gradual degeneration of my mental abilities.

Random pictures & talk...

Just posting 2 pictures taken with friends here. It's getting cold as you can see from what we're wearing. Was raining & windy when we went to Tokyo Dome yesterday. Can you believe this: It was my first visit to Tokyo Dome after 2 years in Japan? Could have picked a better day to be there, but we were actually there to catch a baseball game (zzzzzz.....) between Taiwan & Korea. However, we decided to skip it after we saw the scores 13 to 1 (Korea the stronger team) after dinner. I was glad actually as I don't fancy watching sports unless it's a figure skating or dance competition...

And I had my hair cut short (not the best picture, will have to post another one next time)! After 10 years of having long hair, I decided to go short..well, though by accident amidst an urge for short hair as I was fed up with my dry ends.

Home Sweet Home - with friends

As usual, nothing beats the comfort & familiarity of hanging out with old friends. Don't have to go through the hassle of getting to know the person & impressing anyone, as you know and they know all that is to know. Well, though, you've to spend some time filling in each other with the latest bits from each side.

But one thing I find hard doing is trying to get my family & friends to know what life is like for me on the other fence, without them. It's hard for anyone to understand unless they're in the same boat as you. I guess I could try if I am a good storyteller, but sadly not. Most of the time when people ask me how's life in Japan, I just keep repeating the same old things like, "oh, it's so hot or so cold", or "the new apartment is so small" blah blah blah. I can only really go into detail with someone who has been through the same situation as me. Just like the other night, I met up with one Singaporean ex-JET who has also moved to Tokyo for her new job for a meet-up. We went through the same hell & problems of finding a new job, apartment & the fear of having to leave our boyfriends here if we couldn't get a job. It was amazing that we went through the same emotions of going through those processes! It was like, "Did you ......too?", "Yeah! I felt ...." and "Yah, me too!". It felt quite good to laugh at those emotions now, now that they're over.

Hmm, I've detracted a lot. Just as I think that having new friends who share the same experiences as you is important, old friends are equally as important, or even more, as they are the anchor in your life that never goes away (unless you decide to dock somewhere else for good). They may not know exactly what you're feeling now, but they know what you're like. New friends are like other boats that go sailing on the same adventures with you, but eventually, they leave to go back to where they're from.

Home Sweet Home - with family

It was so nice going back to my newly renovated home, especially when I'd just downgraded from a 2 room to a 1 room apartment in Japan. My home at home looks really spacious now with a lot of the walls knocked down. And with central air-conditioning & a beach resort style balcony, it feels like a 5-star home! My only gripe is that although everything in our flat changed drastically, my room still looks basically the same as when I left for Japan, except newer! I joked to friends & family members who came to my place, that my room is just like a maid's room - very bare & plain.

Being able to spend lots of time with my family was good too. I went out with my sister & cousins a couple of times, and finally managed to see my "biao-ge" who I hadn't been able to meet for 2 years as he was in Canada and I in Japan. I miss my family gatherings!

Sucky rainy day!!

Such a depressing day....boyfriend was going to come for just a few hours from Gunma today, as he still has work to do, but because I wanted to go to a salsa event in Chiba that he simply refused to go, that I cancelled on him. That obviously didn't go down well with either of us. But because of the stupid endless rain that I was hoping would stop but only beat down with increasing intensity, I'm stuck at home on a Saturday night with nowhere to go & alone. It sounds like the rain is lightening up a bit now, but it's too late anyway! Hate today....:( Maybe I should just upload the pictures that I kept whining that I haven't had time for.

I've become such a bore...

Now that I've finally embarked on a real career (though not my chosen one; only something to keep me afloat financial wise & for gaining working experience in a Japanese company), I've officially joined the ranks of working people, which perhaps has made my life pretty boring, as my main focus now is my job. I've nothing interesting to say, or can't find anything that's worth writing about. Or is it because there's no time to think about what I'm doing now & structuring them into words.....hrh?

Come to think about it - I haven't mentioned anything about what I'm doing now. Am still unfortunately (for me & my students...hah) an English teacher, though I've upgraded to teaching adults Business English at their companies. This means I travel around Tokyo a lot as I go to different companies to teach at night. In the day, I'd go to my office for my other work - course planning, which made me take up the job offer, as it offers me an opportunity to use my Japanese skills & a chance to gain experience in a Japanese company in Japan. Although, my teaching workload is higher right now, as my company is slowly easing me into the planning aspect of the job. I'm hoping that I can slowly move on to that side of the work & reduce my number of classes (not that I have a lot now, but lesson planning takes up most of my time), as being stuck in teaching forever isn't my cup of tea. But I'm learning a lot now, even though I keep telling myself teaching isn't going to be my long-term career. It's always good to learn something from what you"re doing. You'll never know when it'll help you in the future.

A quickie!

Aah.....I keep wanting to write and post photos that are just accumulating in my folder, which I don't have anyone to share looking at with, but I don't have the time! Though I haven't taken many photos since forever (except for when I was back in Singapore), as I haven't taken any trips here lately (impossible now that I've started this new job) & there's nothing exciting about being in Japan anymore.

I don't have a long evening & night every day now like I used to, as I only reach home at about 8 or 9 p.m. And recently, I've been busy doing reading/research related to work, trying to find out what's the cause behind my stupid computer's random freezes and crashes (still don't know why), and planning for a winter trip to somewhere warm in December, hopefully Thailand, that I don't have the time to think about blogging.

Anyway, there're some new words that I've learnt at work from other native speakers & I'm really amazed that there're so many English words that I've not heard of or don't know of when I should probably know. Russian doll - stacking dolls that you open to reveal smaller dolls hidden inside one another . Rubik's cube - the cube game that people rack their brains trying to get each face of the cube into a solid colour . Donut shift - a shift system where you get free time in between. Hot desking - sharing desk/work stations for space saving or cost cutting. Bubble wrap - the plastic wrap with little air pockets that I love bursting, used to wrap fragile stuff. I've always loved popping those little air bubbles, but it has never occurred to me that there's a name for it. And when I think about it, I didn't know how to say that in any language at all! The Japanese call it "プチプチ". I wonder what it's called in Chinese!

A small step

I'm way behind at updating my posts & I don't even know where to start - so many photos & events left unshown & untold. I still don't have the time to sort all that out yet as I really don't have that much free time as I did in my last job. So I'll just start off with something really small & very recent like my reunion with my English Conversation Class in Omiya today.

I'm unable to teach them anymore as this will mean sacrificing my Saturdays twice a month, which was ok in the past as I was still living in the same town as them & I had lots of free time. But now that I've moved to Tokyo, it's a huge commitment to be travelling there & my weekends are usually packed with stuff (not that they're particularly very exciting as it includes cleaning my house & doing my laundry). I'm glad that I'm still able to see them as they really dote on me, as if I'm their foster daughter. I've one Japanese father & many mothers here!

The busiest summer ever and a new life soon

It's been a long time....I don't know where or how to start. These 2 months, especially, have been one of the most stressful time of my life. It's ironic that my job on JET was so relaxing but the months leading to the end of my contract have been far from that. I'm officially an ex-JET since July 31st 2007 and am currently unemployed...well until the end of this month. I've finally found a new job (thank God), which quickly required me to find a new place in Tokyo, meaning I haven't rested since April, the time when I started my job hunt. I'll talk about my new job, which will be in Shibuya, later. Hah....Shiraoka & Shibuya! You can't find any similarities between these 2 places...a small town and a big,big city.

There was also saying goodbyes. Making rounds to all the schools and giving speeches and saying my farewells. Not only to students and teachers but to some people whom I've gotten close to since I've lived here. It was emotional and yet I didn't have the time to dwell on it. Every time after saying goodbye to someone, I'll be busying myself with the apartment search, packing or moving arrangements. My eyes would fill with tears but go away quickly as I've no time for such emotional feelings. The practical thoughts of preparing for my new life would drive them away.

I can say a lot for my harrowing apartment search, packing and moving preparations but there's not much point in mentioning them now. Though I must say that I've never felt so grown-up in my life doing all those things. It is a time when I really think that it's not easy being an independent adult. Now, I'm 1/4 glad that I've found a new place in Tokyo [much smaller & a lot more expensive :( ] and 3/4 wishing that I don't have to move to an unfamiliar place. Tomorrow will be The Day, when I bid farewell to my little town in Saitama, a place where I've grown so accustomed to and am so afraid to leave for the Big Smoke. My feelings now? 1% excitement and 99% dread & anxiety. Scared....scared....scared. I'll still be in Japan. Same country but my life will be so different. I'm excited too, but right now, the feelings of anxiety and loneliness (of going into the unfamiliar) are stronger.

Anyway, I just have to do it because there's no other way to it. I've made the decisions. There's one thing to look forward to though and that is going home this week! Moving & going home at the same time...I wonder how I managed to get all the preparations done in such a short time! Phew!!

How does the Merlion look like?

Hee hee hee...I think the Merlion looks like this. Ehhhh....zenzen chigaukedo (totally different) when Shinshia sensei shows us the real Merlion...boo hoo. Girls: Eee...but mine is cuter! *giggles! Boys: Rrrr...Mine is scary! *growl!

Show your flags!

You get all sorts of flag here. Some kids actually created a new design for Singapore! :0

Stamp for you!

Students get a stamp from me once they've finished, but not before they say, "Can I have a stamp please?". For the 2 nensei, that's a little hard so they just say, "Stamp, pleaszzzzz!".

Let's draw the Singapore flag!

Look at how earnest the 2 nensei are...they were so excited to draw the flag! :)

Turning 26

I feel old. Why is it that each year seems to go by faster & faster as you grow older? When I was younger, it feels like I'd never grow up. Now I can't believe that it has been 5 years since I turned 21! How did these 5 years manage to fly by just like that? Kinda wish that I can claim them back...wistful sigh.

Anyway, I had a low key celebration together with him on the past weekend. It's a coincidence that our birthdays are really close together...his 24th & mine 26th. I finally went to a Latin club in Roppongi...that was my birthday request. But I didn't enjoy the club as much because nobody else asked me to dance and we don't dance that well together. Well, it's his fault for not knowing how to dance beyond the very basic (even though he was brought up in Colombia!!) and yet he can't be bothered to learn! Grr...! And the club was quite sleazy with Japanese women & foreign men shimmying up close to each other & getting touchy-feely. I couldn't dance either without people bumping into me, which really irritated me. But it was still a good experience, as I'd never stayed overnight in Roppongi. It was very interesting to walk down the streets with so many different foreigners standing outside the bars, restaurants & clubs, trying to get you to go in. Among all the foreigners, the blacks & Latinos were the most noticeable. And I saw some really hot Russian girls who look like models walking past us. *Wee wee*

I didn't have a birthday cake or make a wish. It was quite like a normal day, although we planned to go to a club & stay overnight in Roppongi. I liked it though because it doesn't really matter as long as we get to celebrate together in our own way.

Not very genki among too genki kids!

After each day at the elementary school, I come home dead tired and have to take a nap before I can do anything else. It started last Thursday and on Friday last week, my energy was all used up. I was so tired that I couldn't even think. It was the same last month when I went to an elementary school for 4 days.

I enjoy going to the elementary schools because it's more fun doing classes with the kids and I get to be the main teacher. The lower level grades (especially the 1 nensei) are sooooooooo cute! But I dread it at the same time because as the main teacher, I've to talk a lot, sometimes shout too, as the kids are too noisy (they get crazy too!). And being with kids for too long is not easy....it's super tiring. They talk over each other, tell you every single thing that they know (especially the 1 nensei!) and I have no idea what they're going on about! Just today, I was attacked by more than 20 1 nensei when the class ended. Without warning, they all came charging towards me shouting & screaming "BYE!!" and wanting to hi-five or touch me, causing me to almost fall! And a little girl started to call me "Mama...mama" and clung on to me all the way from the classroom to the staff room. I had to reassure her that I'll be coming back before she would let go of me. And before she ran off, she even gave me an air kiss....haha. Kids are so funny, but they take up all my energy!! Ahh...tsukareta!

At the Airport （空港にてー村上龍）

I tried calling Saito, but hung up as soon as I reached his answering machine. A group of people carrying ski boards entered, walking past me. The big glass door opened and then closed again. It was bright in the airport. But it was even brighter where the skiers were standing across from the sliding door. All I could see at first were their silhouettes. There was a man near middle-aged sitting in front of me, reading a weekly magazine. Featured on the cover was the face of an actress. She was a face that I occasionally saw on TV, but her name slipped my mind. An actress with the Chinese character, “Sakura”, in her last name. I didn’t have the air ticket with me. I was waiting for Saito in front of the ANA check-in counter. He was supposed to bring the tickets with him.

The man with the magazine sitting opposite me had looked at me twice from just now. He was probably in his late thirties. He wore a cream coloured trench coat over his grey suit. “Wait for me before the ANA counter. There’re a few seats there,” Saito said on the phone two days ago. Saito and I met four months earlier. The seats at the counter were completely filled up. The number of seats paled in comparison to the crowd of people in the airport. I didn’t know for sure the size of the crowd. There were many people making a mad dash for the departure gates after checking in so perhaps there was no need for that many chairs. But you could see that there clearly weren’t enough chairs for people who wanted to sit. There was a crowd eyeing for people to leave. I knew they were waiting even though they didn’t show it blatantly. I couldn’t feel anything but their strong desire to sit.

Incidentally, my eyes met with the man reading the magazine. His eyes travelled quickly from my eyes to my shoulders and then my body, down to the bottom of my legs before returning to his magazine. I was wearing a beige woollen coat over a black dress, paired with a branded scarf. I bought it a long time ago. My handbag was also branded, but it didn’t cost that much. Not knowing how cold it was in Kumamoto, I came dressed in the clothes that I wore for winter in Tokyo. I had wanted to watch the weather report for the temperature in Kumamoto before leaving my child with mum. But we ended up leaving the apartment before the report was on because he was getting a little restless.

A big electronic board providing information of departures was displayed diagonally above. ANA flight number 645 departing for Kumamoto at 11:25 was already opened to passengers for boarding. Information for many other countless flights was also shown, displaying departures until 15:15. The next flight for Kumamoto was leaving at 13:40. There were many flights bound for Fukuoka and Sapporo, but not many for Kumamoto. I glanced at my watch. I wondered how much time is left before the check-in counter for my flight closes. The announcement came on for passengers flying to Fukuoka. Hearing this, the man with the magazine stood up. He looked at me once again just before standing up. Perhaps I possessed a look that labelled me as that kind of woman.

My marriage ended two years ago and I had a boy who was turning four. From the start, I didn’t get along with my husband’s mother. Eventually that led to our separation. My husband had managed a factory for machinery parts left by his father. But it closed down after our divorce. I heard his major clients had gone out of business. He was an honest and caring man. He was affectionate to me, but even more to his mother. She had undergone numerous treatments for her poor back and shoulders. Chiropractic, qigong, acupuncture and other sorts of unorthodox treatment. Her treatments cost a bomb. All she had to do was, really, just to move that body of hers a little. But she was practically on her back most days and the different therapists came in and out of the house for her treatments.

A young elderly couple came along after that man left his seat. The elderly man sat down directly across from me. You could tell from their dressing that they were on their way back to their hometown. Their faces and arms were brown from the sun. The man was in a wrinkled white shirt and red tie. He wore a dark brown suit with sleeves that were too short. His thin hair was plastered tightly to the back of his head with wax. He was carrying a big shoulder bag with great care. The woman was small. Her bending back made her look even smaller. Her make-up was too white. She wore a thick, orange cardigan knitted in wool over a white blouse, and an impassive look on her face.

Even with a total stranger, you could tell certain things from a person’s looks, make-up, clothes, and manner. You would know if that person was from the city, suburb, or the backwoods that could only be reached by plane. You could guess the financial status from the things he had on him. The colour of his face and posture would give away his health. As for his age, you could gauge at a single glance. I looked around my hands. A Cartier watch rested on my right wrist. It was the only thing I bought for myself since I started working in the sex industry. I wondered if people would know from looking at my watch that I was a sex worker.

After the divorce, I worked part-time as a sales clerk at a gas station, while my little boy was at day care. I worked together with a girl called Akami, but was soon laid off. Akami was only twenty-two then. I was thirty-four. The gas station’s business was going downhill owing to the price slashing war with its rivals. Maybe that was why they kept the younger staff that was cheaper to retain. After the divorce, for a short while, my child and I stayed in one of the apartments that made up the factory workers’ dormitory. But we were forced to leave after the factory was shut down. It seemed that the apartment was used as a mortgage to pay the debts.

At the same time, my husband had to provide me with alimony and child support. He was in tears when apologising to me, but I didn’t blame him. My parents lived in Fukushima and they urged me to go back. But my brother and his wife were already living with them, so it wasn’t possible to move back with them. So I had to rent a place and did a short stint at a hostess club in Osaki. But I wasn’t good at drinking or chatting with strangers. Not long after my stomach began to suffer and I quit.

As usual, this translation isn't completed. I wish I have more time to finish translating a whole novel, but I always have something new to read every week and can't afford to focus my time on just one. Besides, my very difficult job hunting is taking up too much of my time! :(

What a fool...

I felt like I've just been made the biggest fool. I don't think I'll ever trust what someone says to me, until it comes proven, like a written promise, a contract to be exact.

Saturday came and went and still there was no reply from the company that was supposed to contact me by then. And that kept me in jitters all the way just now until I made the doomed call to the Managing Director. After all the acknowledgment of my skills & talent, and showing a real interest to hire me (telling me to be positive before I left the interview), he said on the phone flatly that after a discussion, he found it difficult and would not offer me a position. No reason was provided, and my mind then was in a state of total blank to ask for a reason. My heart just dropped and it fell such a long way, that I don't know if I'll ever find it again....and thanks...for showing no decency to get back to me like you've promised.

The Unmarried Generation（難婚世代）

An interesting newspaper article about modern Japanese society that I read & translated...

The Unmarried Generation: Lost generation among the 25-35 year olds

The ideal marriage partner for Kiyomi, a 34-year-old temp staff from Tokyo, has to earn an annual salary above 10 million yen. He also needs to at least hold a full-time permanent job. Living in a quiet, high-end residential area in Setagaya as a full-time housewife, she would send her children for overseas studies and go on family holidays. That is the kind of marriage life Kiyomi pictures for herself in her mind.

In reality, she goes to work every day. Her work, mainly involving data entry, ends daily around 8 p.m. Although she works full-time, she receives no bonus and takes home a monthly salary slightly above 200,000 yen after tax. She lives in a 1K [1] apartment, costing 47,000 yen a month, by herself. After turning 30, teasing by her male colleagues about her single life has completely stopped.

Three years ago, she became all alone when her mother passed away. She was like a friend whom she could talk freely to about her love life. Every time she reads the letter her mother left, encouraging her to go for it if she finds a good man, she would yearn very much to get married.

Kiyomi’s father left the family when she was in elementary school. The image that she still has of her father resembles that of the late Ishihara Yujiro, who was tall and handsome. Even after their divorce, her mother was still full of praise for her father, saying that he was a person serious about his work. That is the reason why Kiyomi would never marry someone who is a ‘furita’ or ‘nito’ [2]. Even though she is lonely, she believes that it is better to remain single than to marry such a man.

In summer last year, she joined Seishin, a matchmaking agency. She signed up for the package that promises to match her up with doctors and dentists, graduates from Tokyo’s prestigious Waseda or Keio university, or men with a yearly income above 10 million yen. The membership fee for men is approximately 50,000 yen, and 300,000 yen for women. After agonising for three months, she gave up her savings to the agency.

“By myself, I can’t make even 5 million yen a year. Marriage is a big chance for me to move up the ranks to a better life,” she said. There are only six months left before her membership is up, but her ideal partner has yet to appear.

The number of males and females not marrying or could not find a partner is increasing. According to the census in 2005, the percentages of unmarried people between the ages of 30-34 are 41.7% for men and 32% for women respectively. The percentage for both sexes has increased by 10%, compared to a decade ago. The result also shows that the percentage of married men among males who do not have a permanent job is around half of their permanently employed counterparts.

A 31-year-old contract worker, anonymous, from Yokohama city wants to find a partner who can accept his hobby. That is his utmost criteria. Many toy figurines are lined up near his kotatsu [3] in his apartment and 300 volumes of hobby magazines and manga pile up at his bedside. A contract employee of a freight company, this man proudly claims himself an “Akiba-kei otaku”, a techno, manga, or anime geek who often hangs out in Akihabara [4]. He spends his past time writing in his blog, titled “Megane-ko”, on a young female character with glasses and for hobby magazines. Contrary to his fulfilling world of make-believe, his real life is bleak. Working on the night shift on a contract that needs to be renewed every six months, he brings home only an income of 150,000 yen a month.

He had the ambition of becoming a researcher in a graduate school, but gave it up two years ago. It was during that period that his leanings towards the otaku culture began to tilt further.

His parents remain ignorant of his visits to Akihabara. His rent of 60,000 yen is still being supported by them. Since his father retired last year, he has been getting frequent calls from his mother urging him to quickly get a stable job. He does not know how long he can depend on his father, now living on his pension.

The reason why he can put aside his fears for his future is the existence of the mecca for otaku culture, Akiba (Akihabara). He drops by four times a month and frequents the maid cafes there two or three times a day.

He used to have a girlfriend in university and though he has plans to marry, the desire is not that strong. “Humans in real life aren’t like characters in a virtual game. They don’t do things according to your wishes. If my girlfriend wants me to be a stay-at-home husband, fine. But if she can’t put up with my hobby, I’ll have to say no to marriage,” he said.

What would happen to him 40 years from now? He has a vision and that is of one in a nursing home where he will be taken care of by care workers, all of them dressed up in French maid costumes. He could not picture himself having a family.

We are now part of a generation in which one out of four employees could not hold a permanent job. The visions held by the men and women of this generation do not seem likely to match and come together.

---

[1] one bedroom adjoined to a kitchen

[2] modern slang for people not holding a permanent job or unemployed

[3] low table that the Japanese use to keep their feet warm in winter

[4] a large shopping area in Tokyo for electronic and anime goods etc.

Bye bye...baby face....

Hmm...maybe it's the end of my baby face days. I've finally grown my hair long enough to do a perm. Being the first time, I couldn't help looking at myself in the mirror with a very bemused expression at the hair salon. I couldn't decide then whether it suits me or not. Though I kind of like the fact that I look more mature and feminine with permed hair. But I'm also scared that people will think I look "auntie"!! Bleagh....

There is hope...

As luck would have it, I was called back for a 2nd interview with a translation/publishing company today. I wasn't very hopeful after the first interview because of certain things that the interviewer said and also because I wanted to kick myself after that for sounding like the most unconfident job candidate ever. I thought I didn't stand a chance, but I still accepted the trial to translate 2 Japanese ads into English.

And so I submitted the trial and didn't hear anything for about a week. During that period, together with the lack of response from other companies, I began to seriously doubt my abilities. I thought that I may not be able to realise my dream after all.

Even when I was contacted to go for the 2nd interview, I still wasn't confident, as there may be other competition. But there was something that I was really looking forward to and yet feared very much - the evaluation of my trial. And when I was told the result of it, my face was a mixture of pleasure, surprise and relief. It was something that I longed to hear, as it could dictate the fate of my future. I've always known that I want to translate someday. I've always been very serious when I do it for myself, out of interest. And I enjoy every minute of it. But I need a professional to tell me if I have the aptitude for it. And I could hardly believe it when the words finally reached my ears, though I must have been yearning to hear them for ages. My work was shown to an editor and was highly praised by him/her. I was told that I have a good linguistic sense. And nothing could make me happier than hearing that.

However, it's still not been decided whether I'd be hired or not. The salary that I asked for is higher than what they are offering. So, the company has to think about it before getting back to me. The interviewer told me to think positively, so I hope that the offer would be reasonable and I could possibly be one more step closer to my dream.

Losing my spirit

I'm so tired....physically from staring at the computer for hours every day. Also mentally and emotionally from worrying about getting a job. This process has done lots to bring down my confidence level. I no longer know what I'm good at (maybe nothing in the professional world), since I haven't really done much after coming here on the JET programme. And seeing the requirements: Native English or Native Japanese level/speakers for the jobs that I wanted to apply for only makes things worst, for I'm neither. Can I help the fact that I was born in a country with no native language to call our own? I'm really starting to hate the word "native speaker". Are employers really so discriminating to think that only native speakers are good enough to communicate in their language, especially when globalisation is on the rise and English is no longer just the language of the Anglo-Saxons? What the hell do they mean anyway when they made that requirement? Can't they be more specific as to how the work can 't be handled by anyone else unless he's a native? Can you not consider a fluent speaker almost native? And does being native make the person any more competent in that job? I can't speak for my Japanese, as I'm still really far from native level and I'd think it fair if the employer is hesitant to employ me on the grounds that it will hinder my work. But not when it comes to English!!

Dralion in Japan

This month has already set me back a lot of money...what with the Okinawa trip and the ticket to watch Dralion in Harajuku Big Top. But it's always well worth the money to see a performance by Cirque Du Soleil. I watched Saltibanco in Singapore and it left me simply dumbfounded as to how some people can do the impossible. Also, the choreography and music were hauntingly beautiful. Dralion, with its theme of East & West (Dragon representing the East and Lion the West), was also a huge success. During the two hours, my eyes and neck were kept busy with the dancing, singing and those unbelievable acrobatic feats. All these happen at the same time so no matter where you look around the stage, you'll be happily occupied. The two Japanese girls beside me couldn't help going "Ahhh....SUGOI!!" every few seconds. As the word summed it up, it really was SUGOI, though the first time is always the most magical.

Okinawa's the best!

Just back from a 5-day trip to Okinawa. What can I say? It's my favourite place in Japan! I've travelled all over the island - Hokkaido to Kyushu and then Okinawa - and that was the only place I felt I could live for a long time in Japan. The weather is good (well, not always),and while Honshu (mainland Japan) is still experiencing a climate between winter & spring (drats...it has dropped to winter temperatures again since I came back!!), it's already late spring/early summer in Okinawa. And winter there rarely drops below 15 degrees! That makes me so mad with envy! It's in my blood to crave warmth like vampires crave for blood! Okinawa's also way more laid back and the people there are warm, friendly and relaxed. Unlike their male counterparts in Honshu, the guys there actually look like men...haha! They're tanned and more masculine than those pale and lifeless looking or fake-tanned guys with thinly shaved eyebrows I often see here. And don't make me start about the beaches there....the water is so clear and beautiful with a mix of blue and green!!! I saw many interesting tropical fishes when I was snorkeling (my first experience) and though I was scared because of the strong waves, it was also magical being in the sea that sparkled brightly against the whitish blue sky.

Simply love Okinawa with its tropical vegetation (coconut trees, bougainvillea, and hibiscus)and fruits (they remind me of home), warm weather, beautiful beaches and friendly islanders....can't wait to go back again someday! I'll post the pictures on flickr soon when I have the time!

I can finally start feeling alive!

My first sighting of sakura in Saitama! I was walking to the salsa party in Urawa after meeting up with Shirley in Ikebukuro when I saw many people gathering in a shrine with a beautiful Japanese garden. It was a very pleasant surprise to see the cherry tree (shidarezakura - drooping cherry tree..sounds horrible in English!) in full bloom. Last week's weather was horrible because despite it being March, it was freezing February cold. But now, it finally feels like spring and I can go out without feeling depressed & chilled to the bones!! YAY!!

Salsa on a Sunday afternoon

Was finally able to attend both the beginner & intermediate (very hard as the teacher is teaching Son during Intermediate now.....and I can't even catch the rhythm of the music[rest,2,3, rest,5,6], let alone dance to it!) classes after a long time. I get so sick often in winter that I kept missing classes. :( Woke up the next day with really sore muscles from three hours of practice....I'm so out of shape!

Right hand in heaven (part 2)

....continued from previously

“Nagisako, do you know that Atsushi’s going to Thailand?” My sister told me as she served the tea. I looked at him as I lifted the cup to my lips. From his eyes, I could tell that he looked uneasy.

“No, when?” I asked.

“During the spring break. I’ve some research to do. Besides, I haven’t been there since graduating from school. And after five years of marriage, I’ve finally been given the green light by Shiori to travel alone,” he said.

“But, Sis, you always went along with Atsushi. Why? You were afraid? That his heart would shift to another woman?” I probed.

“Nonsense,” she burst into laughter as if a joke, her hand covering her mouth. The hand fringed by nails that were painted a pretty cherry blossom pink. For a while, I was staring at it, mesmerized. Those fingers, which pander to Atsushi’s everyday needs, I thought, feeling a tinge of hatred for my sister at that very moment.

“What a loving husband and wife you make,” I said. Atsushi threw a brief glance at me. I looked out at their garden and continued.

“It seems there are many things you share when you’re married. But surely, there are things you can’t get from a marriage. Oh well, though it’s hardly a matter of concern to me.”

“But Nagisako, you’ll get married one day,” my sister said.

“Perhaps,” I said in reply.

“No one that you like?”

“There is. And many guys fancy me too, you know. They all tell me this, ‘Let me be your hand.’ Hah! Sweet, huh? But they can save it. I don’t even need my own, let alone theirs. I like that I’m left only with my left hand. My artificial one? I really don’t see the need for that. My right hand is in me and there is nothing I can’t get with it.”

A faint sadness grew on my sister’s face. She quickly masked it and poured me another cup of tea. “No one that you like?” She couldn’t have asked a better question. Asking me a question like that is as good as showing her attempt to pretend that she’s unaware of my feelings for him. Even if I do come out with his name, she would have made it into a joke and laugh, making sure that nobody gets hurt. That is why I wouldn’t say who he is. I really would hate to see her lying to everyone, especially herself.

Sitting in front of Atsushi was his fresh cup of tea. He reached for it and at that instant, his hair fell across his forehead. I want this man, I thought. He doesn’t have to return my love. I don’t need it. My sister is here for that. What I want out of this relationship has nothing to do with reciprocated love. I have no idea still what else will come out of it. But I believe that there is a hidden treasure waiting for me to uncover.

Unlike what I thought, there was no real look of surprise when he saw me at the hotel in Bangkok. He didn’t look like he welcomed my presence, either.

“You got it out of Shiori, didn’t you?” he asked.

“Ah huh. Good guess. I didn’t tell her I was coming, of course, so don’t be scared.”

“Don’t be scared? Why are you always behaving like this? Do you take pleasure out of harassing people?”

“Yes, just you, actually.”

He shook his head at me, amazed.

“Do you have a place to stay?” he asked.

“I’m going to Pattaya now. To Jantzen beach. I’ll stay at the hotel, Sugar Hut. Lovely name, don’t you think?

“And?”

“I’ll be waiting.”

He looked furiously at me. He should have hit me, I thought to myself. Such a willful sister-in-law that I am. If I were him, I wouldn’t put up with what I was doing.

“What if I say I’m not going?”

“You’ll come, I’m sure”

“Who decided that?”

“I did. And you, too.”

Leaving him with that, I walked towards the car waiting for me. “You won’t see me there!” I heard his voice calling out to my back. He will come. I was confident. The warm tropic air sticking to our bodies. The mellow sounds of Thai. Allured by them, it will occur to him natural to want to come see his wife’s sister at the bungalow by the sea. The Sugar Hut – a hut made out of sugar. Under its sweet aromatic shade, I would wait for him to come.

Right hand in heaven by 山田詠美

When he came to love me, I was already without my right hand. When I fell in love with him, he was already married. Not only is his wife beautiful, she’s also an angel at heart. But she carries this perfection with her as if a flaw. The reason why I know her inside out is because she, Shiori, is my older sister.

When we were young, I lost my right hand in an accident while playing together. She still thinks it’s her fault. So though I’m in love with her husband, she remains silent. What a fool she is. Our love affair has nothing to do with my truck accident. First of all, it was an accident, no fault of hers. As the truck came barreling towards me, I cowered down like a small, vulnerable animal that was trapped. She merely stood and watched. I could blame her for that. But at that age, what could she have done to save her little sister? She was only seven.

She cares for me and yet she doesn’t acknowledge me for who I really am. She’s unaware of what I know and our relationship survives on what’s unspoken between us. When I look at him, I don’t see her. I live only within the existence of the love that developed inside me. Inside it, her sympathy, kindness, and fear of hurting me, and especially, her feelings of guilt can’t reach me. Just like the frame that wraps around a painting, the love holds me in safely. That is the only thing I want. And so I paint. With the right hand that I’ve lost, I dab colors on a canvas over and over and over again…

“Hold me,” I said to Atsushi one day. He held me close to him. “No, not like this. Make love to me,” I demanded. He looked at me through his glasses and laughed awkwardly, “I can’t…no…no, don’t get me wrong. It has nothing to do with you being Shiori’s sister or your condition. Absolutely not,” he explained. I accepted that. So he had known what I wanted, but he held me to try to make me feel better. I didn't feel rejected. It’s not sex that I’m after, really. I’d leave the pleasure of that to him and his wife. I’ve fallen in love with a man so close to me. Yet I can’t declare it openly and that is what gives me the greatest thrill. There is the privilege to love that declares itself openly for all to see. Another, which desires to be locked in a little chest where the fiery emotions can be soothed and contained. He, my sister’s husband, is a gift to me. Unlike others, my love is a little different. But it’s certainly not because of my right hand, I know.

Occasionally, I would visit the couple’s place. Childless, their neatly arranged home is always quiet. Sitting sideways on the sofa, I looked at my sister preparing tea. Atsushi put aside his reading and settled himself in front of me. He talked randomly, subtly avoiding my gaze. He knows many things. But he’s not one to flaunt his knowledge, it just pours out from him naturally. I suppose it comes from being a lecturer at a university. Intelligence flows, just like a river, in him.

. ......to be continued

This is roughly a 20-page short novel that I've read, written by Yamada Emi. Not sure if I'd have the ability and time to translate all of it, but I'll try (or at least translate a few more pages). The story gets harder to translate as it goes, as it starts to get erotic and deals with complex feelings. There were many parts that I've misinterpreted and I'm finding it very hard to get the nuances of the story right...

A new face each time

A picture taken at the usual party after salsa class. We don't normally take a group picture like that, but this time it was for the benefit of a guest. It seems like there's always someone new to be introduced and for you to introduce yourself to. Last week, it was the brother-in-law of Sheila, who's on a business trip from Europe and speaks five languages (Damn!!!). He proclaims himself a gypsy as he has been uprooting his roots all his life!

Salsa with a different twist!

LOTs of commuting done on a warm, sunny day yesterday. Strangely, the weather was extremely good and having such a beautiful day fall on the weekend....IT's priceless! It definitely lifted my spirits and provided me with more energy than I usually have to go for salsa at three different places in Tokyo. Well, I didn't really move any muscles other than my eyes and hands for clapping when I watched my other salsa class members perform at the cultural center in Morishita. Right after the performance, we shifted to Sumidagawa river by foot for a 飲み会 (drinking party) while we danced a little to music next to the unsettling river. As the sun slowly began to set, the temperature dipped and started to get a little chilly. But there's no worry because in Japan, there's always a 二次会 (second drinking party), where we continued drinking, eating and dancing (well, more drinking & eating than dancing, though I didn't drink a single drop) in a 和室 (Japanese style room) in Akihabara. It was 最高 (the greatest) as I'd never have imagined dancing salsa along a river and in a tatami room and especially on the same day!

Counterfeit love

An excerpt on how to unmask counterfeit love. May be worth trying. All along I've been trapped in the fantasies that kind of love seduces you with. It's not a sudden realisation. There were signs and hints warning me, but my sore feelings of being hurt, self pity and wanting my demands & expectations to be met would drown everything else away. When those feelings work together, they're as dangerous as a flood. ...

Definition of Counterfeit Love
Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, and love. Real love does not fluctuate. There is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. The nature of our relationship with them may change, but we do not hate or become bitter.

Unmasking Counterfeit Love
Describe what love means to you and how a person has to be for you to love him. Describe some situations in which you felt you had love, only to be disappointed. What did you take to be love that might have merely been infatuation, need, or fantasy? In your present relationship, for a week, give up one expectation a day. Let the person and relationship be just as they are. Do the same for yourself. See how you and your partner begin to feel. Keep a diary about this. You'll be amazed.

Follow your heart

I've always been labelled a dreamer. Yes, I admit. I live to dream & dream to live. And as I've mentioned somewhere before (though not without a lot of fears of failing), I'd never give up on my dreams. Very often, I listen to my heart rather than my head. Following my heart in my dreams has led me to two significant people in my life. Dreams come true (*holding my breath*....perhaps). One shares my past memories and the other one is currently by my side. I wouldn't dare say the ending will always be good, but at least you're led to a new beginning.

Save the last dance for me

Hearing this song always makes me smile. It's so romantic and cute at the same time. You'd wish your boyfriend to serenade you with this song on a special occasion if you like dancing. Pity mine is a terrible singer...sigh. :p

Michael Buble
Save The Last Dance For Me

You can dance-every dance with the guy
Who gives you the eye,let him hold you tight
You can smile-every smile for the man
Who held your hand neath the pale moon light
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me

Oh I know that the musics fine
Like sparklin' wine,go and have your fun
Laugh and sing,but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me

Baby don't you know I love you so
Can't you feel it when we touch
I will never never let you go
I love you oh so much

You can dance,go and carry on
Till the night is gone
And it's time to go
If he asks if you're all alone
Can he take you home,you must tell him no
'Cause don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling,save the last dance for me

'Cause don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling,save the last dance for me
Save the last dance for me
Save the last dance for me.

The language of love and passion

I was suddenly inspired to learn how to express my love in Spanish and found many passionate expressions & phrases. Spanish is a very beautiful language to express your love and I'm eager to learn it. But I can't spare the time! :(

Te amo./Te quiero. (not as deep/committed a love as te amo) - I love you.
Me amas?/Me quieres? - Do you love me?
Estoy enamorada! (for girls) - I'm in love!
Me haces feliz. - You make me happy.
Eres el amor de mi vida. - You are the love of my life.
Quiero estar contigo para siempre. - I want to be with you forever.
Te adoro. - I adore you.
Te extrano./Te echo de menos. - I miss you.
Me extranas?/Me echas de menos? - Do you miss me?
Pienso en ti siempre. - I always think of you.
Te quiero con todo mi corazon. - I love you with all my heart.
No puedo vivir sin ti. - I can't live without you.
Quieres baila conmigo? (my favourite!) - Do you want to dance with me?

Our early Valentine's Day

In Japan, it's the custom to buy chocolates for the guys you admire or love on Valentine's Day. Exactly a month later, the men reciprocate by buying you chocolates on White Day. So, as I was shopping for him, I saw many Japanese girls musing over the Valentine Day's chocolates in the department stores and filling their baskets with lots of them. I bet most of them are giri chocolates (those that you give to your male colleagues & bosses) anyway because why would you need so many. It's also big to make your own chocolates to give away here. I wasn't planning to buy him chocolates, but as I couldn't find anything suitable, I got him a nice one. That and my first weak attempt at writing a love poem for him. :p

November 18

2006 November eighteen,
Day of our first meeting.
Together with the throbs of salsa music,
Our encounter was an absolute classic.

It wasn't love at first sight,
But then slowly came the tide.
The waves of red passion
That finally led to attraction.

When our eyes met on the dance floor,
I moved silently in awe.
For I couldn't hold your gaze
And it left me amazed.
What could that mean?
I wondered if you were keen.

If you only knew,
Just before I met you,
I was thinking of destiny in the noon.
And it only comes once in a blue moon.