Bringing the New Year on

The answer that I've been looking for for the past 1 year plus has actually always been with me. I just refused to acknowledge it and kept telling myself, "Maybe...just maybe..it's different". I could only see the vision I've created in my mind. Although the facts of reality constantly reminded me of their presence, the vision was stronger & much more pleasant. But now the answer that I refused to acknowledge has jumped right under my nose, I've no choice but to accept it. It's definitely not what I want it to be, but it is exactly how it should be. I shouldn't keep on deceiving myself and clinging on to the past for dear life. There are many things that I'm not good at, but I'm especially good at these. Something that I shouldn't be proud of.

No matter how far it is from my ideal, I've gotten my answer. No doubt that over the years, I may still think back about it and feel a slight tinge of regret, it will no longer consume my whole life. It will no longer eat into me. And I believe that one day I'll realise that this will only benefit me.

With this, I can finally leave my emotional baggage with the past and look forward to a fresh new year. Here's to a Happy 2006 & beyond with a wiser and light-hearted perspective of life!

Beyond one's control

Have you ever finally met the person you wanted to see, but become at a loss of words when you meet? It's even hard to meet that person's eyes and talk normally without feeling awkward. All the questions that you meant to ask suddenly seem so pointless. They may even sound silly if asked. It's weird and downright sad when the person once close to you seems like a stranger now. Time may not always set things right, but it certainly changes things. Nothing is ever the way you imagine or want it to be.

Twinkle twinkle

With X'mas approaching, Roppongi Hills is now decked with romantic X'mas lighting, making Tokyo Tower at the background look less lonely and less out of place. I don't know why Tokyo Tower is a famous landmark in the first place. It's ugly in the day. And it's not that tall. Besides, it's design is nothing special. You can see many smaller towers like this all around Japan, even in the rural areas. But at night, especially with the lights now, it does look nice.

It was so windy and cold that night at Roppongi Hills. My jacket was zipped all the way up. When I'm cold, I don't really care how I dress. But look at my sister. Jacket not zipped up and she's wearing a camisole inside! Let me count...I'm wearing 3 layers of long sleeved tops inside. And they're both wearing skirts. I'm amazed...It's either I'm more afraid of the cold or I'm not as vain as them. :p

A trip that brings you back

I love the animes by Ghibli. I've watched most of them. Their themes of fantasy, childhood, magic, nature ... always manage to capture my imagination and touch me. Unlike other animation I see on TV, they aren't as violent, loud or plain stupid. Other than Ghibli's animated movies, I'm not really into anime. It's a pity we can't take photos inside the Ghibli Museum. However, the museum isn't really that fantastic. It's more catered for kids, as we can see from the throngs of children and school kids chatting and running around excitedly in the museum.

Come and go

What can I say besides this nowadays....I'm sick again. I've definitely caught a cold again, less than a week after my last cold. It just keeps coming and going, coming and going. I could hardly enjoy myself when I was at the Ghibli Museum with my sister and cousin. I have to let them venture out to Tokyo themselves the next 2 days because I really need to rest. Please, can someone take my cold away??

What's my next step?

Before I go into that, I don't know why I'm still so tired. I can't even stand or sit straight. Keep slouching these few days. Probably I haven't been sleeping much lately too.

I was so free in school today. Dec is a really free month for AETs. I don't seem to be needed much this month. So I surfed the Internet to do some research. A talk with my AET friend the other day set me thinking on what I want to do after JET. I'm still pretty sure on the direction of my career path. But how should I work towards it? Right now, I'm probably only 1/4 way there. After 2 or3 years here, I'm thinking of doing a graduate program in interpreting/translating. There doesn't seem to be much here for non Japanese. So maybe England or Australia. If I were to do a program on Japanese language teaching, I would stay here. I wouldn't completely rule out being a Japanese teacher to foreigners. But that isn't my ultimate dream.

Australia is good because of the proximity to home and more financially feasible. Also, because I'm already familiar with the life there. I love Australia too..though I can't really say that about its people. I love the space, pace and weather in Oz. After surviving winter here, Oz's winter won't scare me anymore.

But England is more appealing because it's completely new to me. I love the challenge of moving to and adapting to life in a new country. Besides, I've never travelled to Europe.

Ah..such grand plans. But I wonder if they'll materialize. I shouldn't forget that I still have a loan to pay off. But then, I can only move forward since I've already been working hard for this path. Better start saving....after winter.

Go Away.....

Why is it instead of feeling better, I only feel that I'm going to get sick again? :( Head hurting, body aching, coughing more than usual and the weight of tiredness hanging over me. And my hands are still freezing from being outside just now. This must be the feeling of winter. The dreaded winter has finally knocked on my door, even though it knows I hardly welcome it at all. The temperature has dipped without much of a warning. Previously, I complained that I'm cold. Now cold is not the word to describe my body temperature. I freeze after being out for a while. Yesterday night when I went to pick up Rebekah at the train station, I could feel the wind on my face and neck...whichever part that was not fully covered. As I stood waiting for her, I could feel a weird sense of exhilaration, that I can actually feel this cold. But it soon turned into a strong desire to be back home so that I can flick on the heater. To Rebekah, it was a short escape from the freezing (x2) climate in Aizu. But in a few hours from now, she would be back to where she has to be.

Under the blue sky

The 1 nensei having a bit of fun during their lunch break on a cold,sunny day. This is the time when I like to go out for a breath of fresh air and steal some warmth from the sun rays. I wanted to capture the different shades of the blue sky. But what can I expect with my mobile's camera?

Counting down

Hah..it may still be too early to count down to the new year. I was just reminded that year 2005 is about to end in less than a month. I'm kind of reluctant to let it go. Because this has been a significant year for me and I don't know what's awaits me in 2006. The events of 2004 are tightly entwined with this year. Without those experiences, I wouldn't be feeling what I feel now and wouldn't be where I am now. I know! It's too early to reflect on this year since there are still 29 days left. But because my sister and cousin are coming soon, I doubt I'll have any time for this.

2004 - A new year at home having returned from Melbourne. Had to prove that my Arts degree could get me a job. Had to find it fast so that I can start repaying my school loan to my grandfather. Had to adjust back to life in hectic Singapore. Had to endure a long distance relationship. Had to work under dirty minded Japanese bosses. Was very disappointed that I didn't get into JET. Started to go on frequent business trips. Went through an emotional ride. Spent the rest of the year hating my job and wondering when I'll ever get to Japan. Applied for JET the second time with a dead heart. Decided I should just die if I don't get it again. Mental switch clicked and became very depressed over many things and suffered from insomnia. Urge to escape from my reality. With the help of my family, signed up and went for a 10 day meditation retreat in Malaysia. Was mentally and physically tough, but it helped me a lot. Owe this to my mum, aunt and uncle. Thank you.

2005 - Felt so much better and peaceful with myself. Considering enriching myself with a TESOL course. In a dilemma if I should quit my job for the full-time course. Fretting over my JET interview. Handed in my resignation with a heart so free. Busy studying and doing projects for TESOL at RELC. Got a temporary job at the Japanese primary school. Loved and hated those kids. Agonising months waiting for the reply after the JET interview. Felt that life is so wonderful when I got the news. Spending lots of money and busy preparing for my new life. Saying goodbye to everyone..hardly any time to get excited or feel sad. And right now, enjoying and suffering in Japan.

I liked 2005. Had the opportunity to be alone to sort out what I want and find out more about myself. Still don't really know what I want..but what the heck. Started to find out things about myself that I never knew upon meeting new people. Found new courage in myself with new experiences.

And it is this positive energy that I hope will channel me to 2006. Nobody ever wishes for a bad year, yah? Only a better year than before. Whatever emotional baggage I still have, I hope I can leave them and move along with no regrets.

Not homesick but always sick

I've only been here for 4 months but I can't remember how many times I got sick. I was so sick yesterday that I thought I was dying. Ok, perhaps a tad exaggerating. But after a long day on Tue and a hot bath, my body started to ache like hell. Woke up at 3 a.m. and started shivering. My body felt feverish and I kept shivering. My head and body was aching really bad, not to mention a really dry throat. Quickly switched on the heater and after some time managed to doze off to sleep. I thought I had influenza.

Didn't feel any better in the morning. Had to call my supervisor that I can't go to school and he brought me to the doctor since I couldn't ride my bike. Told by the super condesending male Japanese doctor that my fever has to be higher to be influenza! He prescribed me so many medicine that I wonder if it's not only going to make my body feel weaker. That's the problem of the Japanese doctors I've seen - they prescribed too many types of medicine and aren't thorough enough. They didn't even touch me or check my breathing! How would they know where I'm feeling bad? And they would ask in a condesending tone whether I can read Japanese on the medication! Out of 3 doctors (all males) that I've seen, only 1 was nice. Ok, maybe that's not too bad but enough to leave me a bad impression.

I guess I'll keep on falling sick until the cold weather ends. Heard that this is common to first year ALTs in Japan. Most of them keep falling sick in their first year.